I was in the foulest mood tonight. I was mad because Kroger didn’t have lean ground turkey. Then I was mad because I cracked some eggs, and had to spend 3 minutes of my life digging the tiniest fragments of shell out of the bowl. You know how eggs are.

Yeah. I just said, “You know how eggs are.”

Mostly I was mad about something that happened and didn’t happen and might happen.

Then I remembered that I got some mail from my Grandpa. He makes DVDs. And he sent me a new one.

I can sense that you’re not appropriately enthused.

The way Jesus applies balm to my pissed off soul is through laughter about absurd things. You don’t have to understand that.

The DVD is titled, simply, “Yesterday.”

I wondered what it would be about. Maybe some family pictures. Maybe some old family videos. (There’s that one where, as a young child, I played President Bush on a fishing trip. It hasn’t hit Youtube yet.) Maybe it was literally a video of something he taped the day before. Or a program on TV, perhaps.

How could I have guessed that it would be about reincarnation?

I’m getting ahead of myself.

It began with a man playing a piano. Well, it was sort of a piano. It was sort of two pianos. I thought that maybe my Grandpa forgot to cut that part out of the video, and the real video would start at any moment. But it was essential.

Just remember…man playing two pianos, sort of.

My Grandpa said a few words about how we have aborted so many “genius babies.”

And then played a tape of some newscasters speculating about a planet similar to Earth possibly being out there somewhere.

Then he showed a picture of his family, while playing a song about how fathers love their children.

The picture abruptly changed to the creepiest picture of Jesus you will ever see, while playing a song about Jesus. For 3-4 minutes. I had to look away.

And there was really no way for me to be ready for it, but

It changed to the tape of a show. About a man named Bruce. Who was afraid of water.

He went to therapy to work it out, and learned that he is the reincarnation of a sailor who drowned in a submarine attack.

At last,

Grandpa reappeared on the screen to summarize.

The man playing the piano is self-explanatory, he said. Sorry. I shouldn’t have made it seem like it was going to make sense.

The alleged twin of Earth might be out there, but there’s no way Jesus is going to let us know. Nor should He, said Grandpa.

Grandpa is the one on the top left in the family picture.

The creepy picture might not actually be Jesus. He just found the picture and it’s as good as he could find. Someone’s name is on the back of the picture, but Grandpa can’t pronounce it.

The reincarnation video was shared because Bruce isn’t afraid of death. He thinks there might be something beyond this life.

“So, all we can do is pray. Do the best we can. Follow Jesus. And smile.” – Grandpa.

And just like that I’m not mad anymore.

And I don’t want to be selfish, but he’s my Grandpa. I know you want confusing DVDs to show up in your mailbox, too. But you can’t have him.

Unless you marry me.

But, you know, get in line.


3 thoughts on “Heritage.

  1. absolutely priceless. classic allison. how come these things don’t happen to other people? because if they did those people wouldn’t relish them and depict them back for the rest of us to enjoy… the little humorous balms…

  2. Pingback: Weekend Highlights | sayingthingsoutloud

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