There is a long list of things I don’t know.
Math. How to parallel park. The point of any Russian novel. (Sooo many pages and words and what are they talking about…)
Jesus can take any old thing and make it new.
Yesterday I was reflecting on a thing. It’s a thing that follows me around and bothers me. It sort of falls into Einstein’s definition of insanity: Trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I’m so weary from this thing.
Whenever it has come up before, I just talk my way through it with rational thoughts. I’m not one of those crazy people. (Yeah, fine, I am). But that has always been my coping method. If I feel something negative, I tell myself not to. “There is nothing, technically, wrong with your life right now. You just feel that there is. You can’t rely on feelings. Look at the facts.”
It got me through some hard moments, but it never healed me.
Sort of like how Nyquil will knock you out, but you’re still going to have a cold in the morning and you should just drink orange juice instead.
I think I’ve mentioned before that I know now that feeling numb is not the same thing as feeling peace.
I ended up hitting a wall last summer. It came time for the talk again. But I couldn’t even speak the words. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to say them. I was so weary from my lifeless pep talk. I wouldn’t have had the words to explain this at the time, but I ended up deciding that whatever I was feeling, I was going to let that feeling run its full course.
My insight into this yearandthreemonthssofar of my life can be summarized with the word “Yikes.”
I went through a few waves of anger and sadness. Back and forth. The words “anger” and “sadness” are really quite tame. I have seen the gnarliest depths of my soul.
I tried to get some advice and insight from other people, but it didn’t work out very well. It isn’t their fault. I went to them for advice and insight, but that’s not what I need. I need Jesus. I think they tried to give me Jesus, but I still wanted a pep talk.
There is a thing that I can’t stare in the face without feeling like it owns me. I think I was telling Jesus, “I can’t look at this thing. I can’t. I can’t. It’s too much for me.” But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Oh yeah, I forgot!
Left to myself, the gnarliest depths of my soul are actually too much for me. I’m not supposed to be able to face those things and fix them. Not with my own words. Not with my own logic. It can’t be done. If I’m not going to give them to Jesus, then I probably should avoid them with a lame pep talk. That’s the whole point. I can’t face the things. He can face the the things. (Nyquil metaphor: check. Use the word “things” too many times: check. This post is just about done).
I’ve heard that verse many times, but now it makes sense to me. I am in this bizarre-o period now where I am re-learning all the verses I’ve been reading my whole life. (Make up another word: check).
Yesterday I was thinking again. I ended up saying, “I don’t like this story. I want a new story.”
…That is what the whole Bible is getting at, in a way.
It’s sort of comical at this point. How many more basic concepts of Christianity can I really re-learn? Answer: all of them. Did you know,
“Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.” – Psalm 51
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” – 2 Corinthians 5:17
“Then I saw ‘a new heaven and a new earth,’ for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
He who was seated on the throne said, ‘I am making everything new!’ Then he said, ‘Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'” – Revelation 21:1-5
I laughed when I read that today. Jesus said, “Write this down…”, because some joker would need to re-learn it a hundred times.