Someone Else Wrote Most of This Post

I got a free load of laundry at the landromat tonight. I’m not going to tell you how. (Because I don’t know!)

Picture this: Me at the laundromat with my new Stephen Colbert book (America Again: Re-becoming the Greatness We Never Weren’t), 3-D glasses on, laughing hysterically to myself for an hour and a half. It is a thing that happened.

I will share an excerpt.

From the moment we wake up not on fire to the moment we fall back asleep with all our fingers, Americans are hampered by needless regulations. We’ve become a Nanny State, and not the good type of nanny that lets you watch Cinemax, eat ice cream out of the carton, and take cigarettes from her purse.

Now, when I sold you this book, I trusted you could handle the responsibility of a hardcover. But that’s not what Joe Government thinks…He’s worried you’ll cut yourself on the pages, or drop the heavy hardcover on your toe, or lick the poison flavor-strip on the cover.”

I will share an additional excerpt.

Once upon a time there was an ant – a virile ant. An ant who took what he wanted and did not apologize for his success. There was also a pitiable and insecure grasshopper, who incidentally was not a very good architect. During summer, the grasshopper fiddled all day. Meanwhile, the ant wrote a beautiful symphony for strings and then burned the sheet music so he would be the only one to ever enjoy its beauty.

When winter came, the ant was holed up in his warm cottage, with plenty of food, while the foolish grasshopper was slowly starving to death in the cold. The ant heard a knock on his door, but it wasn’t the grasshopper, it was a cricket, the ant’s conscience. ‘Look into your heart and take pity on the grasshopper, for he is starving,’ the cricket pleaded.

The ant and the cricket were then crushed by the foot of Ayn Rand, because the way the ants all worked together in their colony reminded her of Socialism.”

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