Shared Life

This is one of those posts that I would usually regret immediately and delete in haste.

But I think I am just going to say it. I want to be the person who gets to cross socially acceptable lines of communication, at least this one time.

I’ve been trying, for what feels like years, to find out if I have skin cancer. Calm down. I’m about to freak out, but not about that.

I had a biopsy thingamajigger (I feel awkward saying all of these words) on Thursday, and have been waiting for results.

The bandage I have to constantly don (this isn’t even the socially unacceptable part, gross as it may be) is causing my skin to be incredibly irritated, and I want to rub my back against a tree trunk like Baloo in the jungle book. But I can’t. It’s not an option. So I’m in a state of unsettled annoyance all day, just from a physical standpoint.

The doctor called at 5:30pm, saying I should call back for my results. I missed the call, but I called them back 30 seconds later. I got a message saying the office closed at 5pm and I will have to call back tomorrow. But you just called me.

I have to wait many hours to call back. I can’t fill these hours with book reading, because I finished all of my interesting books. I can’t watch TV, because the sound disappeared several months ago. I didn’t care until just now. Reading the Bible is an option. But it lives inside of me, so it’s not a thing I can do to kill time.

What I really wanted was to not be alone the rest of the night. From 5:30pm until 10:30pm when I go to bed, I really did not want to sit here staring at the wall, alone. And that is the option I am left with, because none of my friendships are really in a place where I can just show up on someone’s porch and say, “I don’t want to talk, I just want to sit and watch TV with a human for five hours, that’s it.”

If I called a man friend with that request, he’d think, “Oh, man. She’s in love with me. She misunderstood everything I’ve ever said. I’m not ready to be a father. This is a huge problem. Doesn’t she have any women she can hang out with?”

If I called a lady friend with that request, she’d ask, “So, you just want to sit here for five hours…?” I can’t think of a single person who would not feel weird about me coming over, just to sit there.

Do I have people who will help me move from one house to another? Yes. People who will give me rides to the airport? Yes. People who will pray with me and for me? Yes. People who will sit with me so I don’t have to stare at the wall? No. Things start to get a little weird when you don’t have a specific task for someone to handle.

And that might just be my perception and fear. I could be wrong. But I have had “Christian community” before, and I know people who wouldn’t bat an eye at that request. They just don’t live in Nashville. I know what it’s like to not be afraid to cross boundaries in friendships. I have experienced boundary-less friendships. And that is not what I have right now.

And it’s unpleasant.

I’m not blaming anyone, or saying it’s everyone else’s fault. I’m just saying I really wish I hadn’t missed that call.

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